Time Warp

You may recall, I wrote about being a working mom and the questions people often have for me. Since being laid off in June, I've once again noticed a strange phenomenon happening when people first hear that I am temporarily without work.

The world turns black and white. I am suddenly wearing a polka dot cotton house dress and pearls, my hair perfectly coiffed. And my neighbor/grocer/nurse at the doctor's office/whoever is before me bats his or her eyes upon hearing I am unemployed and says "Well golly, that's terrific!" 

That's right, we've traveled back in time. 

I know that we have entered a time warp because, after sharing I have been laid off, the first sentences from conversationalists after "I'm sorry" have been:

"That's so great that you get to spend more time with your kids."

"I suppose you'll be staying home with your kids now, huh?" 

"What a wonderful opportunity to watch your kids grow up." 

"Now you can be a full-time mom!" 

Then there's the awkward part of the conversation where I mumble the words severance, daycare, finances, looking-for-a-new-position....

And here's the reality...will you join me in 2015 again?

How awkward would it be if my husband were laid off and he got those same comments? When a father is laid off, do we assume he is going to become a stay-at-home dad? No, we assume he will make job-searching his new full-time job. 

And so it is with me, a mother looking for work:

I have continued to send my kids to daycare to maintain consistency in their schedule and to give me ample time to find a new job. If they are home, I have about one hour per day to look. (Job searching should take about 30-40 hours per week.) Being laid off has given me more time with my kids. In an I-feel-guilty-that-I'm-not-looking-for-a-job-on-a-weekday, what-if-I'm-missing-job-postings, my-patience-is-short-because-I'm-so-stressed-out kind of way. And those opportunities have come up because daycare was closed, not because I have created them.

On those days, I am staying home with my kids. However, sudden and unexpected unemployment was not the "opportunity" my husband and I were looking for in order for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Being laid off did not cause us to look at our finances for the first time and say, "What have we been doing? We can TOTALLY afford to live off of Gerrit's income! I can't believe we never knew!" You may have guessed that being unemployed can come with a lot of financial questions....even if *gasp* you're a woman!

Finally, the other working-outside-the-home moms and I have ALWAYS been full-time moms and we ARE watching our kids grow up...too fast. Just like our stay-at-home mom companions. While we're on that, can we ban the term "full-time mom?" It's hurtful. 

And so dear friends, let us learn together. When you feel yourself about to pull a phrase from your 1947 edition of "A Guide to Comforting Friends," just pause. Take a breath. And simply say, "I'm so sorry. That really sucks." I might even recommend, for my God-fearing friends, to leave out the phrase, "I'll pray for you." Instead, go home and pray. And AFTER you have prayed, tell your friend, "I prayed for you today." No empty promises, but instead a reminder of a faithful Friend (not you, silly. You're so vain. God is our Friend.)

There ya have it. No assumptions of current life situations. No time-warping. No empty promises. Easy-peasy. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my pumps and make a pot roast.

Come One, Come All!

To the greatest show on earth!

Yes folks, Addie and I went to her first circus. 

Life changing. 

 Toddler dreams coming true. 

The way I see it, the circus is one part depressing dazzling, two parts magical.

The animals were on their second show of the day. (We were reminded by the lone protester on the drive into the stadium that "Circuses are Traveling Torture Shows." So, that felt good.) The tigers seemed a bit lethargic. Sunday night, people. Don't we all feel that way?

As the stuck-in-an-80s-hair-band lion tamer performed, Addie asked if he was going to kill the tigers. 

When the lady acrobats performed, Adeline made a keen observation, "She's wearing special pink underwears!" Special indeed. I'll be cleaning the house in a similar pair from now on. 

Intermission was three rings of temptation. Elephant rides, bouncy castles, face painting, hurrah! Naturally, Addie wanted her picture taken with the acrobatic Elsa and Anna. But the bedazzled non-Disney posers charged $10 per Polaroid. I'm no dummy, I paid for the $10 camel ride instead. Making a memory to last a lifetime, you know. (And the line for the elephant was too long.)

Part Two began, and out came the miniature horses. They pranced around the ring whilst their tiny saddle poofs bounced to and fro. 

Life changing. 

Cassie dreams coming true. 

I will own a team of miniature horses one day! And they will be the delight of the neighborhood! Mark my words.

Next a crew of adolescent stunt boys performed. They flipped and spun in ways that can only make one question everything about one's life. I mean, what am I doing with mine? I can't do any of that. This kid is 9 and he's IN THE CIRCUS! And he's the best at it! I did yoga once....almost.

 Finally the Wheel of Death (where no one has actually died) wrapped up the show as the last bit of blue raspberry icee was slurped up from the straw.

And life will never be the same.

Questions for the Working Mother

The following is a sample of a conversation I frequently have when getting to know new people outside of work: 

REAL CONVERSATION:

Me: My name is Cassie. My husband is Gerrit. 

Newbie: Nice to meet you. Who are these little people?

Me: These are our kids, Adeline and Reyer. 

Newbie: What do you and your husband do?

Me: My husband is an IT Manager and I am an HR Generalist. 

Newbie: Do you work full time? 

Me: Yup. 

Newbie: Oh....huh...... What do your kids do while you're at work?

Me: They go to a daycare that we really like. 

Newbie: Wow, that must be really hard to drop them off. 

Me: Yes, but they are very social, so that makes it easier, knowing they enjoy it. 

Newbie: Do you think you'll stay home one day? 

Me: I would, but it's not an option right now or any time soon. 

Newbie: You must be so busy. How do you do it all? 

Me: Ha! I don't. You should see my bathroom. 

And then we laugh and laugh.....

HOW I WOULD LIKE TO ANSWER:

Me: My name is Cassie. My husband is Gerrit. 

Newbie: Nice to meet you. Who are these little people?

Me: These are our kids, Adeline and Reyer. 

Newbie: What do you and your husband do?

Me: My husband is an IT Manager and I am an HR Generalist.

Newbie: Do you work full time?

Me: Well, I sure do! Can you believe it? Sometimes they even let me use the computer at work.

Newbie: Oh....huh....What do your kids do while you're at work? 

Me: Oh my gosh....I don't even know. Am I supposed to provide childcare for them? We usually leave them home and hope for the best. 

Newbie: Wow, that must be difficult to leave them all day. 

Me: No, it feels good shutting my heart off when I walk out the door. But the uncomfortable business casual outfit makes up for it.

Newbie: Do you think you'll stay home one day? 

Me: No way. Kids are gross. I just had them for the tax benefits.

Newbie: You must be so busy. How do you do it all? 

Me: Drugs....so many drugs. 

Alas, I cannot answer the way I would like to because it would be rude...just like the intrusive, pointed questions. 

Here's what I find interesting:

1. No one asks these questions of Gerrit. "Do you work full time?" and "What do your kids do while you are at work?" would be odd questions to ask a man. Why? 

2. Women, and I think Christian women in particular, are somewhat expected to stay home at some point in their child's young life. However, the woman so many others look to as an example in the Bible is the Proverbs 31 woman, who was herself a working mom. The Bible says she rose early to sell her goods, she bought and sold property, she supervised servants, she kept her home in working order, and was called blessed by her husband and children. 

All mothers are working mothers.

Throughout history, there have been many mothers (and fathers), who love their kids and who stay home with their children. That's amazing! What a great opportunity! 

AND there have been many mothers (and fathers), who love their kids and who go to work either because of financial necessity or because of a desire to be in the workforce. That's amazing! What a great opportunity!

So, dear friends, let's stop asking the intrusive questions of strangers. Let's support one another through healthy choices made and healthy choices made for us.